How
to Help a Marriage in Trouble
What do you do when you know a couple has marriage problems, but you
have no formal training in how to help? Our work with thousands of marriages in
crisis provides us with insight that you can use.
The most important thing is to care enough to do something. Far too often,
people do nothing because they fear they might do the wrong thing. While it is
possible to do the wrong thing, doing nothing is DEFINITELY the wrong thing.
If you know a couple in trouble, and you care enough to do something,
consider this list of things not to do and things to do.
Do Not Do These Things
First, do not listen to one side of the story and think that you understand
the situation. A person can paint a picture so reprehensible that you wonder how
he stood it, and soon find yourself understanding and even approving of his
desire to leave the marriage. If you deeply relate to the sharer's pain, you may
not believe the other spouse's story when finally you hear it. Therefore, when
listening to either spouse, ground yourself in this ageless truth, "The first
person to speak always seems right until someone comes and asks the right
questions." (Proverbs 18:17 ERV) The wise person listens, but suspends judgment
until the entire picture comes into view. Listen to both spouses without
prejudice toward either.
Second, do not believe everything either spouse says. People give their own
perspectives, and, inevitably, perspectives are flawed. Additionally, people in
pain tend to exaggerate. Beyond that, they tend to justify their behaviors by
focusing on negatives about the other person. Therefore, listen for core issues
while ignoring matters extraneous to the current problem or exaggerated to
disguise the real issue. For example, a wife may try to distract you from her
emotional involvement with another man by focusing you on her husband's online
visit to a pornography site months ago.
Third, do not help anyone do wrong. Sometimes people think they somehow help
a person with his struggles by doing immoral things in the process. It may be as
simple as lying for him. Occasionally it stretches imagination. A few years ago,
I worked with a couple in which the wife was having an affair. Her lover enjoyed
taking her to New York for weekends, but she lacked excuses for missing those
days with her family. A prominent sister in her church helped her commit
adultery by taking occasional trips with her to a nearby large city for a
weekend of shopping. The unfaithful Christian woman met her lover at the airport
and spent the weekend in sin. Her Christian helper did all the shopping for her
so that she could take her purchases home on Monday with an acceptable alibi. I
never understood how the prominent sister justified her actions in her own
mind.
Fourth, do not believe that a couple should divorce because their problems
seem hopeless. We see marriages saved and made loving again when no one thought
it possible. We witness spouses madly enamored with a lover change their minds
and restore their marriages. We watch people who said they could never forgive
not only forgive but also reconcile their relationships. We witness dominating,
controlling spouses realize their destructive behavior and change into loving,
accepting mates. Unfortunately, with all those amazing stories and more, we also
hear from many couples that a counselor, church leader, or dear friend told them
that their situation was hopeless and they should divorce and move on. By the
grace of God, they discovered that we would help them even if everyone else
thought they should part. We often hear at the end of our weekend workshop for
couples in trouble, "Thank you for giving us hope. And understanding. And tools.
But without hope we don't think we could have made it." Therefore, we encourage
you never to advise a couple to part unless one of them – or their children –
are in danger physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Otherwise, please
encourage them to find the help to heal their marriage.
Fifth, do not hesitate to ask for assistance to help a marriage in crisis.
Sometimes a person in a helping role feels ownership for salvaging the couple
and subtly blocks others who try to help. Suggesting to a spouse or couple that
they avoid advice from someone who likely will do more harm than good makes
sense. I often suggest that a person not take counsel from people who have their
own agendas. For example, if Mom feels anger toward the spouse who caused her
daughter pain, Mom probably is not a great source for balanced, unprejudiced
advice. On the other hand, suggesting that a couple listen only to you, and not
to others who have as much experience and wisdom as you, may be a tragic
mistake. In our work, counselors and pastors regularly send couples to us for a
weekend and then we send them back for more help from them. Working together
provides more opportunities to help couples turn things around than working in
competition with each other.
Do These Things
First, when you know a marriage is in trouble, intervene even when not
invited. Jesus inserted Himself when people needed him, even when they did not
know Him. For example, He approached a funeral procession of a woman He did not
know and had the audacity to tell her not to cry. (Luke 7:11-17) That brazenness
is out of order in nearly every culture. However, He did it because He knew He
would raise her son. He would turn death into life and bring great joy in place
of her agony. From our experience with thousands of distressed marriages, I can
tell you assuredly that many of them long for someone with the boldness to walk
into their lives and help them save their dying marriage. We need more people
who will do what Jesus did.
Second, stay with them until the healing takes place. If Jesus had told the
woman to stop crying because He would bring life to her son again but did not
follow through, He would have caused her more pain than she had before He
interrupted her mourning. The point is that if you start something, finish it or
you may cause more harm. Far too often, we hear from people that some nice
Christians – church leaders or others – came by and met with one or both of them
once or twice, but never came again. We understand that in most of those cases,
the people who tried to help did what they knew to do, and when that did not
work, they did not know anything else to do. They still cared, but did not
return because they felt that they had done all they could. Even if you do not
know what to do next, being there for the spouse who wants to save the marriage
may be her only line of hope. Continuing to let the spouse who wants out of the
marriage know that you care and that you want to help may make you the person he
turns to if he has a moment of emotional lucidity.
Third, convince them to get the help they need. It is not your duty to repair
their marriage. Instead, gently guide the person or couple into looking at the
real problems rather than the things they wish to focus on, and then direct them
to professionals with the specialized knowledge and training to help them with
specific issues. Regularly I hear people say things such as, "I didn't want to
come to this workshop. I didn't want to save my marriage. But ______ kept after
me until finally I came just to shut him up. A lot of people had a lot of advice
but he listened and seemed to have some wisdom about life. So I finally let him
talk me into coming, but I wasn't happy about it. Now I gotta go home and thank
him for not giving up on me." While it is true that no one wants to be harangued
or nagged, it is also true that when someone we trust or love gently pushes us,
we tend eventually to do what he or she urges us to do. Sometimes the person
gently prodding includes incentives such as offering to pay for the crisis
marriage workshop, or to take care of their children while they attend. Other
times, they simply remind the person of their love and concern. Occasionally,
they twist the proverbial arm. They know they run the risk of angering the
spouse who does not wish to save the marriage, but they consider the possibility
of helping salvage the marriage to be worth the risk. From our perspective, we
thank God in heaven that there are people who love their friends enough to keep
gently pushing until they agree to get help. (There is a story in the Bible
about this principle as well. Luke 18:1-8)
Fourth, call to accountability by establishing consequences. When skilled
interventionists meet with an addict, such as an alcoholic, they present her
with consequences if she refuses to get help. Consequences may come from family
members, employers, church leaders, and others who either hold influence with
the addict or have something she wants or needs. The principle is to motivate
the addict to do something to salvage her life by establishing clearly that if
she continues her current behavior she will lose things that matter to her. The
same principle works in helping marriages. For example, some churches will
remove members from their fellowship who divorce without what the church
considers Biblical cause. Some parents communicate their love for their grown
child, but clearly indicate that if he leaves his wife for another, they will
not accept the new wife into their home. Within legal limits, a few Christian
employers will terminate employees who leave their spouse for another, or who
refuse to seek help before divorcing. If you think any of these sound extreme,
remember that the purpose is not to punish but to deter the person from
divorcing without first seeking valid assistance in hopes of healing their
marriages. It is not mean or cruel to try to rescue. Actually, it is much
crueler in the long term not to try to rescue.
Fifth, if your friends salvage their marriage and learn to love again, lead
them to help other marriages in trouble. No one is more effective in helping
marriages than those who have struggled through marriage problems themselves.
After you help a couple get the assistance they need to heal their own
relationship, boldly ask them to use their experience in two ways. First, to
tell their story whenever appropriate to married couples who are not in trouble.
As they tell their story, they will lead some couples who secretly are in
trouble to talk about their problems. They will help others order their lives
and marriages in ways that will prevent them from having major problems later.
Second, to tell their story to married couples who are in trouble, and then to
stay in contact with that couple in order to become the wise friend who leads
them to the help they need. It is selfish, in my opinion, to find healing and
not share that healing with others in ways that helps heal them.
Read more at
http://www.christianpost.com/news/how-to-help-a-marriage-in-trouble-104041/#7jTCrwem3SfUy3iB.99
